HomeBlogDifficult conversations: ensuring positivity from the outset

Difficult conversations: ensuring positivity from the outset

By: Jemma Came, Marketing & Programmes Assistant Categories: Culture & engagement

Written on the 1st June 2017.


“…scientists have captured …the attunement of emotions in the laboratory by measuring the physiology – such as heart rate – of two people as they have a good conversation. As the conversation begins, their bodies each operate at different rhythms. But by the end of a simple fifteen-minute conversation, their physiological profiles look remarkably similar – a phenomenon called mirroring.”

Goleman, D et.al: The New Leaders

When reading through one of our leadership programmes, I came across the above excerpt from Daniel Goleman’s book, The New Leaders. It made me think about the times where I have experienced emotions that are in tune with another person and how good I felt at the end of the conversation - especially when having a difficult conversation.

Have you noticed the powerful effect the tone of a conversation can have on you? For example, when you have had a positive, forward-looking and productive discussion with someone (even if you had a difficult issue to talk through), how energised and ready to tackle any issues. However, if the tone of the conversation was mainly negative, you might leave it feeling de-motivated and drained.

So, how can we ensure that our difficult conversations are more positive from the outset?

Consider the following:

  1. Preparation and mindset: These are a key part to the discussion you will take part in. Consider the environment; is it safe, comfortable and calm? Have you given your meeting some thinking time, in order that you are in a positive and rational frame of mind from the outset?
  2. Listen: “I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So, if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” - Larry King It is very important that the person you have the conversation with feels heard and understood, if you are to get a positive outcome. Try and tune in to the person’s perspective and respond in the moment, without any prejudice. Express empathy before offering any constructive advice.
  3. Posture, voice and gestures: Be aware of your body language which can give a lot away! Remain calm and measured when speaking, and when listening. For example, try to smile, and avoid crossing your arms which can appear defensive.
  4. Content: Think about the words you use, the structure, the logical development of your ideas. Are you talking in positive terms, speaking the language of common ground and mutual benefits?